![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/openid-profile.gif){kind=small}
Inching along.
Posted on 2009.06.23 at 09:55
People always say "thank you, that helped a lot," after they share bad news and everyone chimes in with condolences, but the thing is: it really does. At least for me. For me, you guys are very real individuals out there, and I felt better as everyone put their small note in.
Also writing everything down helped.
Also it helped to talk to my brothers. Who are totally weird and had a way, way different weekend than I did. They did not go look up esophageal tumors on Friday the second they got off the phone with my parents. Which I guess I can understand, but I'm not built that way. They talked to each other on Father's Day and did not even mention Mom; that's how unconcerned they were. I kind of felt like I was breaking the news to them when they returned my calls yesterday. One brother was chattering cheerfully about his car troubles and my mind was spinning; how can I tactfully break the news to him without making him feel like an idiot?? I settled on carefully asking if he'd had a chance to look anything up online yet; he hadn't.
And in fact, it is pretty bleak, although it could be worse. We got the CT scan back, and it's probably Stage III. It has spread to some tiny lymph nodes nearby, but not her lungs, at least not visibly so on the scan. We'll find out about the course of treatment and the details of the original tumor on Thursday, when they talk to the surgeon.
So, my oldest brother has two kids; three and one year old. My middle brother has a two year old. None of the grandkids have ever visited my parents. Mom has saved all our childhood toys, since they still live in the house I grew up in, waiting eerily for hypothetical ghost grandchildren to come revive them. And so far no one has ever visited.
Jammies and I have been plotting and calculating for over a year about how we'd bring the first grandchild for a visit. We've built it up like a stealth mission. It was finally going to come to fruition this Labor Day weekend, when Hawaii would be about four months old. VICTORY WAS GOING TO BE OURS!
And now both brothers are musing about how they'd like to take the grandkids to the homestead over the summer. CURSES! I knew it! I knew something would prevent us from clinching the Best Kid title, at the last minute. Stupid mom with her stupid cancer.
Taking care of Hawaiian Punch helps, because it's very physical and keeps me occupied. There are diapers to change, and faces to make, and shushing and swaddling and waltzing. Going to sleep at night is impossible if it's quiet - I just begin to torture myself, either by picturing life without Mom, or by remembering life as a small child with Mom. So instead I've been listening to podcasts. I need something to focus on, and then I can drift off pretty well.
Also writing everything down helped.
Also it helped to talk to my brothers. Who are totally weird and had a way, way different weekend than I did. They did not go look up esophageal tumors on Friday the second they got off the phone with my parents. Which I guess I can understand, but I'm not built that way. They talked to each other on Father's Day and did not even mention Mom; that's how unconcerned they were. I kind of felt like I was breaking the news to them when they returned my calls yesterday. One brother was chattering cheerfully about his car troubles and my mind was spinning; how can I tactfully break the news to him without making him feel like an idiot?? I settled on carefully asking if he'd had a chance to look anything up online yet; he hadn't.
And in fact, it is pretty bleak, although it could be worse. We got the CT scan back, and it's probably Stage III. It has spread to some tiny lymph nodes nearby, but not her lungs, at least not visibly so on the scan. We'll find out about the course of treatment and the details of the original tumor on Thursday, when they talk to the surgeon.
So, my oldest brother has two kids; three and one year old. My middle brother has a two year old. None of the grandkids have ever visited my parents. Mom has saved all our childhood toys, since they still live in the house I grew up in, waiting eerily for hypothetical ghost grandchildren to come revive them. And so far no one has ever visited.
Jammies and I have been plotting and calculating for over a year about how we'd bring the first grandchild for a visit. We've built it up like a stealth mission. It was finally going to come to fruition this Labor Day weekend, when Hawaii would be about four months old. VICTORY WAS GOING TO BE OURS!
And now both brothers are musing about how they'd like to take the grandkids to the homestead over the summer. CURSES! I knew it! I knew something would prevent us from clinching the Best Kid title, at the last minute. Stupid mom with her stupid cancer.
Taking care of Hawaiian Punch helps, because it's very physical and keeps me occupied. There are diapers to change, and faces to make, and shushing and swaddling and waltzing. Going to sleep at night is impossible if it's quiet - I just begin to torture myself, either by picturing life without Mom, or by remembering life as a small child with Mom. So instead I've been listening to podcasts. I need something to focus on, and then I can drift off pretty well.