heebie-geebie

I think it will work out.

Posted on 2009.06.27 at 12:34

Yesterday I had a tremendous desire to be a total asshole to everyone. I patroled myself quite strictly over at Unfogged, because otherwise I would have just been picking fights. I wanted to provoke someone into snapping at me, and then I could fly off the handle at them. But instead the power went out and I ended up taking a nap with Hawaiian Punch, and then playing soccer in the evening.

And we had another game this morning, and inevitably something protective kicks on in my brain, and I end up feeling okay for the time being. Cheerful even. It's maybe the excess exercise. I e-mailed back and forth with Dad, and he reassured me that the tumor is probably operable. That cheered me up, too.

Like I said, somehow I was convinced from the moment I got the news that Mom has three years left. When they told me it might not be operable, I updated that to six months in my head, and it rattled me super profoundly. I have a lot of grieving left if there are three years to go, but I have a lot of panicking-the-fuck-out if it's just six months. So the reassurance from Dad helped very much.

Hugging my dad is like hugging a sawhorse. He's totally unflexible, and he's skinny, and he's uncomfortable with physical affection. When we were e-mailing*, after we knocked out the technical mumbo-jumbo, I switched tone and got mushy, and said how I felt better, and how awful I'd felt prior to this correspondence. Dad replied with the single line: "I think it will work out". Which made me laugh, because "I think it will work out" has got to be the verbal equivalent of hugging a sawhorse. (But it was still comforting, because I can translate from Sawhorse back into Loving with the greatest of ease.)

*Does "e-mail" still have a hyphen? Or is this like over-enunciating "internet"? Does it only have a hyphen if you use aol.com and get flustered by pop-up ads? Why am I hyphening it? "Email" looks fine, too, I guess. Better, even.

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Comments:

(Anonymous) at 2009-06-27 18:01 (UTC) (Link)

First, I'm very sorry about your mom. Second, this has got me thinking about how I would deal with my kids if (when) I die before them. A friend of mine did it very bravely and graciously. But it must be hard to balance the "I must always take care of my children first" with "oh my god I am going to die soon."

I admire your response (as reflected in your writing). My very best wishes.

But I guess I'm sort of asking what is the right "caring for" balance? I'm probably about your mother's age & a lot of obits are of people my age. My kids still rely on me. I know if I were dying I'd want to protect them but at the same time I'd want some comfort from them. So hard to see how to do it right.

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heebie_geebie at 2009-07-01 15:40 (UTC) (Link)

I know. You're always you're mother's kid, even when you're an adult. I don't know how you balance it. Part of the reason I got in touch with the therapist was so that I could ease off relying on my parents so much, and support them, to a degree, instead.

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themodestokid at 2009-06-27 18:32 (UTC) (Link)

Reckon there was an Unfogged thread several years back debating email vs. e-mail.

"The verbal equivalent of hugging a sawhorse" is evocative -- I'm glad to hear your mother's tumor may be operable, sounds like you're relieved, too.

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(Anonymous) at 2009-06-27 23:11 (UTC) (Link)

sounds pretty rough

keep your chin up heebie. It must be difficult to balance your need for information and reassurance with your need not to make things more difficult. I don't think there is an easy way around that.

verbal equivalent of hugging a sawhorse is perfect.

By the way, I think the battle is over and it isn't e-mail or email, it's just mail. We just figure out what to call those quaint pieces of paper, now.

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(Anonymous) at 2009-06-28 16:39 (UTC) (Link)

hugging a sawhorse

Hee. Your dad isn't an engineer, by any chance?

When I had my cancer, the "good" kind, that's what my doc actually called it, very merrily, well, it's cancer, but don't worry, this is the good kind! (Thyroid cancer, and if you have to get cancer, this is the good kind, he was right) anyway, I got it without health insurance, when I was a rat-poor graduate student back in 1989.

So I called my parents up to tell them I had a tumor and no money and no insurance. (I was, at this time, five years from finishing my Ph.D., living, literally, in a shack in Arkansas, which got so cold in the winter ice would form on the inside of the windows.)

I still remember my father's response: "When life gives you lemons," he told me, "make lemonade."

"Um," I said. "Okay, Dad."

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(Anonymous) at 2009-06-29 18:51 (UTC) (Link)

Jesus, heebie, I hadn't checked in on your blog in awhile. I'm so sorry about your mom's diagnosis. Good news about the tumor likely being operable.

Your parents' response sounds like my parents' in some ways: my mom totally ready to fight, but also somewhat zen, my dad in full research and analysis mode. (There were Excel graphs of her blood test results.)

Damn, I'm sorry. It all just sucks so, so much.

Sir Kraab

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(Anonymous) at 2009-06-29 18:54 (UTC) (Link)

P.S.

"E-mail" and "email" are both widely accepted, though I prefer the hyphen. (Look how I'm trying really hard not to be proscriptive and pedantic!) Either way, though, "hyphening" is definitely not a word.

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heebie_geebie at 2009-07-01 15:41 (UTC) (Link)