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Yesterday I had a tremendous desire to be a total asshole to everyone. I patroled myself quite strictly over at Unfogged, because otherwise I would have just been picking fights. I wanted to provoke someone into snapping at me, and then I could fly off the handle at them. But instead the power went out and I ended up taking a nap with Hawaiian Punch, and then playing soccer in the evening.
And we had another game this morning, and inevitably something protective kicks on in my brain, and I end up feeling okay for the time being. Cheerful even. It's maybe the excess exercise. I e-mailed back and forth with Dad, and he reassured me that the tumor is probably operable. That cheered me up, too.
Like I said, somehow I was convinced from the moment I got the news that Mom has three years left. When they told me it might not be operable, I updated that to six months in my head, and it rattled me super profoundly. I have a lot of grieving left if there are three years to go, but I have a lot of panicking-the-fuck-out if it's just six months. So the reassurance from Dad helped very much.
Hugging my dad is like hugging a sawhorse. He's totally unflexible, and he's skinny, and he's uncomfortable with physical affection. When we were e-mailing*, after we knocked out the technical mumbo-jumbo, I switched tone and got mushy, and said how I felt better, and how awful I'd felt prior to this correspondence. Dad replied with the single line: "I think it will work out". Which made me laugh, because "I think it will work out" has got to be the verbal equivalent of hugging a sawhorse. (But it was still comforting, because I can translate from Sawhorse back into Loving with the greatest of ease.)
*Does "e-mail" still have a hyphen? Or is this like over-enunciating "internet"? Does it only have a hyphen if you use aol.com and get flustered by pop-up ads? Why am I hyphening it? "Email" looks fine, too, I guess. Better, even.
And we had another game this morning, and inevitably something protective kicks on in my brain, and I end up feeling okay for the time being. Cheerful even. It's maybe the excess exercise. I e-mailed back and forth with Dad, and he reassured me that the tumor is probably operable. That cheered me up, too.
Like I said, somehow I was convinced from the moment I got the news that Mom has three years left. When they told me it might not be operable, I updated that to six months in my head, and it rattled me super profoundly. I have a lot of grieving left if there are three years to go, but I have a lot of panicking-the-fuck-out if it's just six months. So the reassurance from Dad helped very much.
Hugging my dad is like hugging a sawhorse. He's totally unflexible, and he's skinny, and he's uncomfortable with physical affection. When we were e-mailing*, after we knocked out the technical mumbo-jumbo, I switched tone and got mushy, and said how I felt better, and how awful I'd felt prior to this correspondence. Dad replied with the single line: "I think it will work out". Which made me laugh, because "I think it will work out" has got to be the verbal equivalent of hugging a sawhorse. (But it was still comforting, because I can translate from Sawhorse back into Loving with the greatest of ease.)
*Does "e-mail" still have a hyphen? Or is this like over-enunciating "internet"? Does it only have a hyphen if you use aol.com and get flustered by pop-up ads? Why am I hyphening it? "Email" looks fine, too, I guess. Better, even.