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3 kittens

The navel, it's gazy.

Posted on 2014.01.25 at 20:07
We are two weeks, and one ice day, into the new semester. Apparently there were over a hundred car wrecks in Austin alone from the ice, in one night.

I'm at a loss for anything interesting to say about the new semester, though. During my commute, I'm brimming with well-being. Generally the sky is big, the fields are straw-color, and the buildings are aging and decrepit, and it's all very serene. I pretend to meditate sometimes, while driving.

Oh please, Heebie. What's on your mind?

Ok, here's what's on my mind: we weaned Ace when I went to visit my parents. Therefore it is time to start trying for a fourth kid.

Here are some facts: we do want a fourth! We definitely do not want to wait a couple years. And since there is no savings in sanity to be gained by waiting another six months or 12 months, we might as well start trying now. Do you hear my ambivalence?

If you're ambivalent, why not wait a few months for your emotions to catch up, Heebie? The biggest reason not to wait for a few months is this: if we waited a few months and then we had trouble getting pregnant, I'd be super mad at myself for squandering a few early chances. So it is what it is. That said, I'm also scared to get back on the roller coaster. Inner turmoil, roiling inside my insides.

I'm not actually scared for the presence of a fourth baby. I love babies. I'm scared for the pregnancy, and parenting while pregnant. But that will be hard no matter when it happens. So why wait, right?

Of families I know, I've never heard anyone say that having their fourth was hard. I've heard people say that going from zero to one was worst (obviously a huge adjustment), from one to two (because now no one has their hands free), and from two to three (from a man-on-man to zone defense, quips Bill Cosby). But of the parents that I've asked, they've all said that having three was crazy enough that the fourth didn't make things worse, particularly. And some have said they gave up the illusion of control and life got paradoxically easier in the chaos. You know what I'm doing here? RATIONALIZING. Basically it is deep in my gut that four is the right number for our family and I'm scared marbles. Ta-da!

I'd like to talk weight-loss, briefly: how DULL! But this is actually not, this is empowerfulmenting. I have not really lost any weight after having Ace. I settled at a new, higher weight, for the third time. But! With all the weight-lifting, I feel great about my heft. I seem to look the same in photos - I don't think anyone is marveling at my svelte figure - but I feel great about myself, and I think it really is just that I feel my new muscle tone and my senses get confused. Some sort of fitness-induced synesthesia - my eyes are taking data from my sense of kinesthesia (or something). I'll take it! (That said, I'm not super keen on seeing photos of myself. Oh wellsy.)

What a dull entry, Heebie. Get it all out of your system in one boring post, right?

Comments:


(Anonymous) at 2014-01-27 18:39 (UTC) (Link)
But! With all the weight-lifting, I feel great about my heft. I seem to look the same in photos - I don't think anyone is marveling at my svelte figure - but I feel great about myself, and I think it really is just that I feel my new muscle tone and my senses get confused.

Don't sell yourself short. More fitness may not make you much smaller, overall, but I bet it makes you more pleasingly shaped. Fat over lots of muscle looks sort of attractively healthy, where fat without the muscle might look droopy and sad.

LB
heebie-geebie
heebie_geebie at 2014-02-02 17:56 (UTC) (Link)
Maybe so! That's an encouraging thought, at least. It feels like my clothes hang better on myself.
rebeccastob
rebeccastob at 2014-01-28 07:30 (UTC) (Link)
oh boy - i can imagine how the idea of another pregnancy is scary. But at least no matter how hard it is - you would know it was the last pregnancy... These types of posts are actually the most interesting to me - probably because i can relate so much. Although the experience of pregnancy has faded for me a lot. I am more interested in body/fitness stuff lately - getting back into the dating scene and sex with new people is slightly nerve wracking but also awesome because yay! new hot people with no existing relationship baggage. I come down firmly on the side of have the kids close together. If I have more I want 2 spaced closely (to the extent possible)
heebie-geebie
heebie_geebie at 2014-02-02 17:58 (UTC) (Link)
It would be fascinating to read about returning to the dating scene, if you're ever so inclined to write it up! I love the idea of the fourth baby...it's just the pregnancy. And specifically, the parenting-while-pregnant. Gah.
(Anonymous) at 2014-01-30 13:37 (UTC) (Link)
You need crossfit-style exhortations? One more, heebie! Do it! You can do it! Squeeze, breathe, and snap those hips!

TJ
heebie-geebie
heebie_geebie at 2014-02-02 17:57 (UTC) (Link)
Have I mentioned how much I love the exhortations? I will totally kill myself a little further, if I know someone is cheering me on and waiting with a high five.
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