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4 kittens

An Analysis

Posted on 2015.06.07 at 09:35
Since the dawn of time, people have undergone laproscopic hysterectomies. There are similarities and differences to having a baby versus having a laproscopic hysterectomy. In this paper we will discuss these similarities and differences. My thesis is that you are less sore but don't have a baby.

It's well-ingrained to me that you go to a hospital because you are waddling and distended with a baby, and almost always in labor. You come home sore, flabby, and disoriented from waking up every two hours to feed the new baby.

The hospital part was similar, at least, although this was a Baptist hospital down in San Antonio, not our local 7th Day Adventist hospital. We arrived at 8 am. By 9 am I was in a gown with an IV. They gave me a pregnancy test. I joked, "If it comes back positive can I at least have something to eat?" (It didn't, thank god.) After that they kicked out Jammies and my mom and gave me the sedative.

I woke up, afterwards, in a sort of collection room for post-operative patients. My voice was hoarse from the intubation. I was swimming in and out of consciousness. They did a shitty job monitoring my pain levels - I had to flag them down, despite battling consciousness, and hoarsely call out that I needed pain meds. My nurse admonished me for interrupting him while he was with a different patient, all of two feet away. I think he can go fuck himself.

Eventually I ended up in a room, and eventually they fetched my mom, and eventually they gave me some morphine, so that everything was fine by about 4 pm. (Then Jammies showed up with the children, which was rambunctious. I dozed in and out.)

I like the compression leg machines. Your legs are wrapped and plugged in, and it wheezes and inflates with air, massaging your legs so that you don't get blood clots. I was required to keep those on overnight, despite having been up and walking that afternoon.

We checked out the next morning. I mostly felt a little sore and swollen. There are four incisions, including one in my bellybutton. Each incision is sealed with both stitches and glue, so my bellybutton is full to the brim of glue.

They pump you up with gas to do the surgery, to spread the organs out. Afterwards you have to deal with residual gas in your abdominal cavity. When I rolled over in bed, I could feel little pockets of air working themselves around.  Isn't it so, so very weird that your body has a method for dealing with ridding the abdominal cavity of excess air? When could that possibly have arisen, evolutionarily, since the dawn of time? But eventually it's reabsorbed and is not so bad.

I was highly irritable and short-tempered all week. I had no patience for my mother suggesting different errands that we could do on the way home from the hospital, because look, HEB is right next to the pharmacy. Or asking, individually, if each house we passed had been flooded, every single house all week long. Or how to google things. ("How would I google that?" she asks, meaning what search terms would be efficient. "How would I google the value book for Pocahontas?" she asked. "I'd google "value book Pocahontas, Mom". But then she argues with your answer! She argued that you'd need to guess the value - charity? honesty? respect? - that Pocahontas was lionized for in the book in order to locate the book. "Oh my god Mom I cannot have this conversation with you any longer," I groaned like a dramatic teenager.)

In the grand scheme of things, my recovery was incredibly mild. I was going on walks within 48 hours. I'm back to picking up toddlers. Hopefully the irritability has receded.

.........

The irritability finally receded around 4 pm on Saturday, when we made our way over to the river. The parks officially re-opened yesterday, after being closed from the floods.



The river being clear and pretty, the cypress trees being dramatic and immense and drippy. I finally relaxed and stopped being such a pill.






Playing in the river makes everyone hungry and tired. And mellow. It's nice.

..........

I asked Hawaii and Pokey to brainstorm comebacks that Pokey might say, if he were wearing his mermaid shirt or big flouncy skirt, and someone said "Boys don't wear skirts" or something. He's been getting some pushback at school and saying that he feels sad about it.

Hawaii: Say "Don't be rude. This is an awesome skirt. You wish you had an awesome skirt like this, don't you." (Hawaii is kind of a genius at John Hughes-style dialogue and withering inflection.)
Pokey: Or be like predator and prey, like a warthog and a rabbit!

Yes...what? That was monumentally confusing. Later Jammies explained that Pokey had been coping by freezing in place and trying to camoflage with the background, and hiding behind stations in his classroom. Like prey would do.

...........

When you're just beginning, having food in your mouth is a pretty weird thing:




By this point, though, we're an old hat at it:





..................

Here's me:



and this squished, gross thing is a lizard that died in our door jamb in a self-explanatory manner:



How gross. Let's end on a prettier note:




Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Comments:


Kelly Jennings
Kelly Jennings at 2015-06-07 17:22 (UTC) (Link)

Pain meds

AAAAh! Flashbacks. I hated those nurses who were slow with the painmeds. SO MUCH. (I've had like six surgeries now, bear in mind -- two with the cancer, then one for the tubal ligation, and two for my bad shoulder -- I guess that's just five.)

The worst was the tubal ligation, because of the gas in the abdomen thing, which for some reason put me in so much pain, plus I was in this HORRIBLE hospital. I remember lying there just howling in agony, and the nurse came over and scolded me. "You need to be quiet!" she told me. "There are OTHER PATIENTS here!"

Holy hell.

With my shoulder surgery, though, I had wonderful nurses. Well, that was here in Arkansas and they were all nurses I had taught Comp I and II to. They gave me all the good drugs. BLISS.
heebie-geebie
heebie_geebie at 2015-06-14 22:38 (UTC) (Link)

Re: Pain meds

That's a lot of surgeries! Nurses are like cats - there's such a big range from bad to good, and the bad ones are the WORST, and the good ones are the best thing ever.
e_messily at 2015-06-07 19:58 (UTC) (Link)

EW THAT LIZARD

The abdominal gas from my gall bladder surgery got stuck in my shoulder and hurt a LOT, plus I was really irrationally angry about it because I was expecting the incision pain but NOBODY TOLD ME MY SHOULDER WOULD ALSO HURT UNDO THE SURGERY RIGHT NOW.

I spent like 5 minutes trying to figure out who that was holding your baby. He looks familiar. Jammies's brother? No. Maybe they have a best friend neighbor guy who goes tubing with them?

JAMMIES I MISS YOUR BEARD.

P.S. Livejournal's commenting interface is extremely baffling. I'm assuming this will turn out to be a quadruply-posted comment.
heebie-geebie
heebie_geebie at 2015-06-14 22:32 (UTC) (Link)

Re: EW THAT LIZARD

Referred pain! I'm sorry you had that. I read internet accounts and it sounds baffling and painful.

I had meant to post an explanation of his beard but forgot. It's up this week. Sort of.
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