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3 kittens

No tinkering.

Posted on 2014.02.23 at 08:00
Am I the only one who faces existential dread when spring taunts? Perhaps this is a Texas-sized jab at the top half of the country, freezing under their polar vortex, but I don't mean it that way.  Here, buds are appearing and temperatures are creeping dangerously close to 80°, and the sky is vast and blue.

It's the vast, blue sky of spring that somehow feels like a wretched abyss. It makes my commute feel like we're driving to the beach; isn't that ghastly? The dread is this: we wrapped up a year, and ended with a winter. We did all that work. And now a new year (and its correspondingly blue sky) is opening up, full of phony hopes and everyone will start making plans. A new year of failing to learn the same hard lessons. Oh no, here we go repeating ourselves and getting this phony blue hope-stuff again.  (This is not true despair. This is the sadly delicious and woeful kind that you savor.) Another fucking year of hopes to dash.

Die, hopes, die.

On Thursday morning, I shuffled the kids into the bathroom and put toothpaste on their toothbrushes. (I take both of their toothbrushes and put a single glob of toothpaste on them at the same time. Then I make the toothbrushes make out with each other - a la Barbie and Ken kissing passionately - until the toothpaste glob is shared equally. Hawaii and Hokey care very much who gets toothpaste first, and so I amuse myself and piss them both off.)(Aren't they old enough to put their own toothpaste on? They are old enough to sneak in the bathroom and chug toothpaste straight out of the tube. They have lost their toothpaste privileges.)(It's not the kind with fluoride.)

After the toothbrushes french kissed, the children began languidly chewing on their toothbrushes (it's what passes for brushing), and Pokey stopped to use the bathroom. From the toilet, he pointed out this two inch red hornet:

February 23, 2014 (3)

(Our hornets are organic.) It was crawling around in the light fixtures, over the mirror. Isn't it clever how adrenaline really does wash over you? Like you feel it on one end of your body, and the edge of the tide physically passes the length of your corporeal self, and you are awash? Very droll, Adrenaline.

I gathered the children and hurried them to the other bathroom. Pokey still needed to use the potty. Hawaii held her toothbrush. Pokey had left all his planes in the bathroom. (Ace was still asleep.) "Are you going to kill it? Do we need Daddy? Are you tall enough? Can it fly out?" they nattered on incessantly.

After getting them Sesame-street-medicated, I found a flyswatter and broom. I braced for a dizzying snowglobe of swatting in a small enclosed space.  I was pretty sure that I could keep it from stinging me - wouldn't it need a few seconds to land on me? - but also pretty damn sure that I couldn't kill it.  It would be zooming around crazily. I feared this dragging on, and on. That I'd take breaks from the bathroom, and it would still be alive, and eventually I'd just put a towel under the door and give up.

So: how anticlimactic when I headed in, and it was gone? There are million hiding spaces - a big medicine closet, towels with tiny folds, shelves have undersides, etc. I dusted around with the broom. It never zoomed crazily out. I gave up (and put a towel under the crack in the door, just in case.)

That evening, Jammies checked the light fixtures, and it turned out he'd fried himself anticlimactically to death. The end.

Fry, Hornet, fry.

February 23, 2014 (1) February 23, 2014 (2)

Without-flash/computer-tinkered, compared to with-flash/no-tinkering.  EVERYONE IN THE CRIB!


Kelly Jennings
Kelly Jennings at 2014-02-24 15:01 (UTC) (Link)

Spring & Why We Hates It

It's cockroaches here, instead of hornets, but I've done the bathroom panic more than once.

I love your kids' dialogue, btw. Like a mini-poem!

Spring & Why I Hate It: If Spring comes, can summer be far behind? Though last summer the heat was not nearly as vicious as it has been. Still, I would love to live at 50 degrees year round.
(Anonymous) at 2014-03-01 02:59 (UTC) (Link)

Re: Spring & Why We Hates It

Kids: totes adorbs.
heebie_geebie at 2014-03-02 14:52 (UTC) (Link)

Re: Spring & Why We Hates It

heebie_geebie at 2014-03-02 14:52 (UTC) (Link)

Re: Spring & Why We Hates It

I have a love-hate relationship with summer, because I'M FREE! I can sit around at home till my heart's content and be by myself for hours every goddamn day! And yet it's so hot out that it seems clear humans were not intended to be living here.

For the cockroaches: gaaaaaaaaah. I absolutely loathe the crunch and grossness of killing something so big and crunchy, (although I do not give two shits about its death) and end up doing the cup-and-cardboard routine and depositing them outside. I don't know if this is better or worse. Then we re-do the roach motels, which seem to work pretty well and hopefully we're not poisoning the kids.
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