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4 kittens

With Appropriate Speed

Posted on 2018.01.21 at 21:23
I dreamt that I bought a new phone. I did something irresponsible with my old phone - maybe broke it - and felt like I couldn't justify getting another iphone, so I bought whatever off-brand unattractive thing that people buy when they go rogue. I hated it a lot, and when I woke up, I was so relieved to still have my iphone. I tell this to illustrate exactly how mundane my dreams are.

Nearly all of them are very detailed dreams about living in various houses, but occasionally I dream about replacing my cell phone.

We forgot to schedule Pokey's slumber party after his birthday back in November, so it finally took place this weekend. His three best friends came over. They had a nerf gun war, and then came inside with the energy of a thousand chihuahuas.  It was a long night.   At one point, three of them whipped their shirts off and began doing some scrawny six year old howling chest bumps.

Hawaii made dinner, breaded chicken strips:

I baked cookies, and the seven total kids decorated them into a glucose-frenzy monstrosities:

Last week at dinner, conversation turned to giant squids having eyeballs the size of basketballs. (Natural conversational progression: we should have a swimming pool -> we should encase the area under the house to make an aquarium, and then during a flood the fish on the outside would stare at the fish on the inside -> no sharks please -> just one colossal squid that takes up the whole space and there's no room for water.)  The fact that colossal squids have eyes the size of basketballs comes from the book Actual Size, which I highly highly recommend.

Hawaii: I know how to figure out how big a colassal squid's head is!
Me: oh yeah?
Hawaii: well, we know that the squid's eyeball is the size of a basketball. And we can put cucumbers over our own eyes.

I started to suspect she was talking about ratios and proportions, and got very interested. The cucumbers are - I think - to indicate that the size of human eyes is a known quantity.

"Then we put straps all over our head and measure the size, distance, perimeter, everything. Then you know how big our eyes are and how big our head is, and you add that together, and then add it to the squid's eyes!" said Hawaii.
"Add?" I questioned.
"No! That's not what I meant," she backpedalled uncertainly.
"You're on the right track!" I encouraged. "What's going on with all these pieces, the squid eyes, our eyes, our head, the squid head?"  I was in super teacher mode and loving it.
She fumbled for a bit, but eventually got there on her own, and said, "Well, you know how much bigger the basketball is than our eye. So that's how much bigger the squid head is than our head!"

I was very proud of her. I said things like "ratio" and "proportion" so that she'd know that I love her.

Pokey won a wall-sitting contest at after-school, so we're awfully proud of him, too.  (The kind where you brace your back against a wall, with your knees at 90 degrees.)

Next weekend I'm going to a tattoo convention in Austin. In all honesty, I'm totally dreading it.  I am pretty sure that if I skip this convention, I won't get a tattoo. Even attending, I'm putting my current likelihood at 35%.

I think I'm just wildly picky, and generally don't like standard tattoo styles. (For myself. I like yours on YOU.)  I have zero credibility with tattoo artists, since I'm not of the tattoo scene, but I'm not of the tattoo scene because I don't like standard tattoo styles (on me not you). It's a catch-22.

The only analogy I can think of is interior decorating. I loved designing the decor of our house, and I knew exactly what I wanted, and it turned out the way I wanted. (How is this analogous? Well, it's analogous as a demonstration of my certainty. Of my vision. Of my arrogance.) But there are fewer barriers to designing your interior decor yourself than there are for a large scale tattoo, especially when you aren't capable of executing the artwork.

Although: it's occurred to me, maybe I should just train and learn enough art technique to pull off one single piece, which can then be copied onto my body.  Sort of like an actor learning to play one single piano song passably well enough for a movie - it just has to be good enough to appeal to me. Is this the most arrogant thing I could write? That I should just become an artist myself since these jamokes aren't cutting it? I know I sound like a jackass.

Anyway, I'm dreading next weekend. It's one thing to kibitz on the booths and develop opinions on all these artists, but the part where I have to strike up conversations with the artists and see if we click is the worst.

Spoiler alert: we don't click. No one likes a frosty outsider older woman who thinks she knows better than you. Even when she does.

Ace: [swishing her milk around her mouth noisily]
Me, steely eyed: No.
Ace, swallowing: Whenever I do that for a long, long time, it turns into spit and the milk tastes like spit.
Me, laughing despite myself: that's so gross.

The best part is that after dinner, I couldn't remember what it was that I'd wanted to remember to write down here. I asked Jammies if he remembered what had been so funny during dinner.  He didn't. But Ace was passing by, and she said, "Was it when we were trying to spit out our milk?" I said no. "Was it when we were practicing our dance moves?" I said no, again. "Was it when I said that I like to swish my milk for a long long time, to make it turn into spit?" and I exclaimeed "YES!" and was so delighted at the eidetic memory of kids for such things.

I've been thinking of revising my New Year's Resolution: a much more practical one would be "Read More Patiently".  It could really be a game-changer.  Heebie, you should read patiently and with a speed appropriate to the content. Deal? Deal.


(Anonymous) at 2018-02-04 00:53 (UTC) (Link)
I don't want to alarm you, but there's some serious Illuminati imagery in some of these cookies. Be careful. They might not actually be Geebies; they might be Bilderbergs.

Thanks for the Christmas Card, it was beautiful :)

Turgid Jacobian
heebie_geebie at 2018-02-12 04:14 (UTC) (Link)
You're welcome! What happens if you eat the eye at the top of the pyramid?
(Anonymous) at 2018-02-13 00:33 (UTC) (Link)
Something something Bilderbergs.
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